Planted by Rivers

“Do you ever feel like when you think about it, it’s just kind of shocking that we’re doing fine?”

It was about a year ago now but I still remember the conversation vividly. My husband was working on a sermon that he’d be sharing on Sunday and had come up from his office for a brain break and a cup of coffee. We continued our conversation comparing thoughts about how we could go through things that had been so devastating and still God had brought us out of it to a place where life was good and we were okay. We still marvel at the fact that here we are! Our life is not by any means clouded in misery. We have wonderful joy filled days and plenty of normal days in between. We’re not devastated. We’ve been lifted up. Our hearts are not heavy and we can enter into the joyful things in life again wholeheartedly. God has filled our arms with new treasures every bit as sweet and precious as the ones we had to say goodbye to. We’ve been restored more than we ever could’ve imagined at the lowest points of our sadness. God has shown Himself strong enough to carry us through. We have been brought out of the valley and can look back from where we stand on the other side more confident than ever in the goodness and power of who our God is. He did not leave us even for a moment. He was here every step of the way.

Losing our first daughter the day after she was born had been a nightmare. A couple of years later, after we suffered through some pretty traumatizing complications with the pregnancy of our second little girl, she too passed away in utero. Did we shut off our hearts? Had we become dull to the hurt? Are we somehow some sort of amazing couple that is just built to bear up under hard things? Certainly not. We were devastated and I can’t even describe the soul weariness and grief that filled us. We’d already had “our share of suffering” and facing another loss felt like a punch in the stomach. How on earth could we endure? We longed for our little girls so much. How could we live through it all over again when we were just finally starting to feel like life could go on?

Why do I even share all of this? It’s not really something I want to go on and on about. I share it simply because we’re not the only ones who’ve had to face things. Maybe you’ve felt like difficulty or heartbreak have come in waves. Life comes with hardship already and now on top of it the whole world seems to have turned upside down overnight due to Covid-19. It feels like either anxiety, fear, anger or sadness are pretty much everywhere. Whether it’s concern for those you love, difficulty with your own health or livelihood, frustration with the powers that be, loss that has already happened, loneliness, or something else, it’s just been rough all around. It’s a new wave of difficulty that we’ve never dealt with before and the isolation has the potential to make existing heavy things so much heavier. Of course we know in our hearts that we’ve always been mortal. Every day that we live has always been a gift. Being alive always comes with some dangers. Loving someone always comes with a risk of having our hearts broken if we lose them. And still we want to love and live as human beings. What’s to be done though when we have to face new waves of brokenness as part of being human? How do we grow instead of crumple? How do we let our roots dig down deeper rather than let our tree topple over when the wind blows hard and we don’t know how bad the storm is going to get? And how do we do that when we’re feeling alone and vulnerable? Honestly I can’t say that I know. My thirty years are a pretty limited amount of life experience. Maybe it’ll be something we learn together in different ways. Maybe God is giving us this quiet time to get by ourselves, think about important things, and search out what we need as an anchor for our hearts.

I would like to share one passage though that I believe God has used to begin to teach me what I should do when my heart is overwhelmed by difficulty.

Matthew 11:25-30 says:

At that time Jesus declared, “I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children; yes, Father, for such was your gracious will. All things have been handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him. Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

We don’t have to be theologians or super smart people. Instead, according to these verses he’s looking for those who can come like little children. If we are willing to do that, I believe God is waiting in the midst of our struggle to turn it into an opportunity to show us His tender kindness and strength in a way that we’ve never seen it before and in a way that some will never see it.

It seems to me as if the Lord were reminding me in those words to come near as His little child that he loves so much. He wants to demonstrate what kind of a Father He is toward me right now. He understands that I am getting worn out with the weight of life and He is waiting to shoulder it with me. He will ease the heaviness off of my shoulders and give me rest if I will simply choose to walk with Him. He wants me to know the truth, that I am not alone.

One of my boys has struggled with night terrors. He would cry so hard and sometimes shout out “no!” in his sleep. When I would try to hold him and comfort him he would often become more upset, thrashing and crying harder, struggling against me. He couldn’t even recognize me. If I could wake him up a little he would realize it’s mommy and he would suddenly become calm in my arms, snuggle in and let me wipe his little tears away so he could sleep again.

He has become such a vivid picture to me. If I choose to shake my fist at God, hardening myself against Him and blaming Him I do not make anything better. I do not lessen the difficulty.  I do not receive any clarity. Instead I add to my pain, anger, bitterness, deep loneliness, hopelessness, and the choosing of a place where I cannot be healed.  I am half asleep. I will not look up and see who He is.

If I could only wake up, then I could recognize my Father who loves me and know that I can bring the rawness of my hardship to Him. He already understands and knows me inside out so that gives me courage and freedom to bring it with all of its confusion and messy feelings and let Him show me who He is and how He can help me. If I will wake up I will find that I’m held in the arms of the One who has always loved me,  has promised to never leave me or forsake me, the One who has held me while I have wept my most bitter tears and wept with me, and then so tenderly dried my tears and healed my heart when I felt like that could never happen. He is my Father. In all of human history He has never failed to be faithful and good, no matter how awful things got. He’s not about to start now when I need Him most. Some day He can show me the full picture of how he was working redemption through all of this brokenness.

Inside I’ve felt like saying, are you sure God? Do you want to be yoked together with me? I’m pretty sure I’d make a weak and stubborn little ox. This difficulty has brought out some pretty ugly things in me and I come with an awful lot of heavy things.” But the promise is there in James 4:8 “draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” And so I say yes! Please! I need Him to shoulder the weight with me. It is too much for me. I want to be yoked with Him, side by side for all of my life. I want to be the little child who knows Him and trusts him with my heaviest things that my heart cannot bear alone. I need Him. He is strong toward me. The weightiness is lifted to His shoulders and as I lean close I find the rest my soul craves in the One who loves me unwaveringly. I can open my Bible, and read the words that He wrote for me to read and learn Him. In that place near His side I will find:

▪️Life (Psalm 119:50)

▪️Comfort for my heart (2 Corinthians 1:4) that can fill my need and grow to reach beyond me to others

▪️Peace (John 14:27)

▪️Hope (Psalm 39:7 Lamentations 3:22- 24),

▪️Provision (Psalm 111:5)

And if I don’t find all of those things right away, I can stay near His side and in His word until I see his promises proven true  (Isaiah 40:31) and wait as He faithfully renews my strength so that I can mount up and fly once again.

Psalm 62:8 Trust in Him at all times, o people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.

Psalm 32:10 Many are the sorrows of the wicked, but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord.

Isaiah 30:18 Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.

Psalm 1:2-3 But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night. He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither; and whatever he does shall prosper.